yuk, just..yuk!

That is the feeling I have right now. For the past couple days, I have been trying to write a post that explains a lot of things about me, and will also be (after the hellish anxiety that follows it), hopefully very healing. I just can't get there...maybe I'm scared because I know how freeing it will be. I told my man about this blog, but was very vague about it and told him its more of a personal diary. He says he won't read it if I. Don't want him to, but I'm thinking maybe that might be easier than actually having to talk to him about it. It will be embarassing, he'll think I'm insane. He'll hear things he doesn't remember about that night, he'll hear things that he had no idea about. Okay, no more beating around the bush, it's about the last time I got high. And the first and only time I got high with him. I've now been clean for almost 4 years now, but when I met him i'd been clean for almost a year and a half...until one night when it seemed like a good idea. IT WAS NOT. But...that whole experience is for another post, but hey...atleast I'm getting closer, and I only moderately feel like I'm going to puke.

On the way back to me again

So, I got the boobs I always wanted, I've lost quite a bit of weight so far, and that makes me feel great...but those are all superficial things. Those were the easy things. Now I have to change the things that you can't see.
I got sober, I'm making more responsible financial decisions, but I really need to work on the tough stuff. The stuff that turns me into an angry, hateful maniac. You know, the stuff that I've been putting off...
Oh yeah, and that girl that I unblocked on Facebook a few days back? I blocked her again. We've got lots of mutual friends, and just seeing her name and face made me want to break shit.
I need to stop procrastinating and fix ME. Speaking of procrastinating, I need to get on with my day. Til next time....

Once upon a time...

I was classy, confident, independent, and cute.

I've also been a drug and alcohol dependent, bad boy chasing, irresponsible mother.

And then I took a lying, cheating, drug addicted shitty boyfriend and turned him into a great guy, without a single threat or ultimatum. I stayed when I should have gone. I had faith when I should have lost hope.

I don't regret loving him, or standing by him through the tough times, because he has stood by for mine, but I do believe that in process of all the "fixing" and effort that I put into him, our relationship and our family, I lost my own identity. I am my own identity thief, and I just want to reclaim me.

random thoughts/feelings

-I wish I was a kid, and didn't have to worry about calories.

-If I was a kid, I wouldn't have to feel gulty about mixing butter and processed cheese and dipping pretzels in it last night. Yeah, that depressed.

-With depression, there is no fake it til you make it, it's fake it til you die. (This came from a friend)

-I took a huge step this morning and unblocked someone (on facebook) who causes me major rage,
and anxiety.

-I wish I had a special machine, or robot or wizard that could change my hair instantly.

-I worry that people won't find me as funny sober, as when I was drinking. Maybe funny is all I have (had) and now it's gone.