10 years ago today..

Something happened that changed my life forever. The funny thing is, I didn't know about that event at the time, but strangely enough it shaped the way my life has turned out. Someone made a bad choice, a choice that they had made countless times before, but this was different. This was the time he got caught. And had to pay the price. And the rest is history. Had these events not been put in motion, I would have missed out on falling in love...3 times, I would not have met some of the wonderful, amazing friends that I have now, and I wouldn't have certain perspectives on life that I do today. Sure, there were bad choices made along the way on my part, but I wouldn't change a thing. Every single thing that I have done in my life has put me where I am right now.
So although I'm sad that 10 years have passed, and unfortunately your life seems to be about that same that it was on July 31, 2000...mine is a lot different, so I thank you for that.

To distract me from my own crazy life...

I frequently (like, several times a day) read www.textsfromlastnight.com
It's hilarious, and relatable, and so hilarious that sometimes I post entries on the Facebook walls of my friends. That is how much I love it. Now go check it out.

Shit...I'm having comatose itunes adventures.

Because of my ridiculous anxiety and insomnia issues (we'll get to that later), I have to pretty much roofie myself to sleep. Most of the time it works out great, but sometimes there are complications in the form of adventures I don't remember. There have been a few of the sexual kind, but that was mostly when I was drinking too. Even worse than that though, are the shopping kind. I just got an email from itunes. A receipt for some downloads that I've purchased over the past week. Among them? Lionel Richie's Greatest Hits, and..are ya ready for this? "Smell Yo Dick", by an "amazing" artist named Riskay. I have no recollection of these purchases, but I know it was me, since both of these musical acts are guilty pleasures of mine. Lionel Richie is more than just a guilty pleasure I guess, because I really do love him, but "Riskay"? Well...if you are unfamiliar with her or her song, I'm gonna suggest you read this post from Whitney Cummings, one of my favorite Funny Ladies, because she really does it justice in describing it.


You can read this and more, at her amazingly funny blog, www.princesscomplex.com


SMELL YO DICK

Romeo and Juliet. Gone With The Wind. The Notebook. Smell Yo Dick. This is my favorite love story. I want to be in this romance, I want to be lounging around in what can only be a Jessica McClintock bustier and yelling about a “stripper/hoe” named Diamond.

I have to be honest. I’m not sure if I could tell if a guy cheated on me by smelling his dick. Call me square, but I’m more of a go through your cell phone kind of girl. Dick smelling isn’t really a sure fire way to tell. I mean, most dicks smell pretty terrible when your man hasn’t cheated on you. A dick smelling like a strippers vagina would actually be a huge improvement. I’d probably think it was romantic. I happen to love CK1.

I love that in the video her boyfriend who she thinks is cheating on her is clinically obese. Nice touch. Make sure to stay tuned for his retort at 2:15. I also love that she bleaches his clothes in the end. I gotta remember that one.

*This vid can’t be imbedded anymore so follow the link to YouTube for it’s charms.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC8GTmX2G5w&feature=player_embedded

I cannot let my email be my fat enabler...must...unsubscribe...

I'm trying so hard not to be a fat girl for life. I do Weight Watchers, I buy everything low fat or fat free, or with extra fiber, or whole wheat. I exercise (Shut up. Walking to the mailbox instead of driving is HUGE when you're a lazy fatty.), I hired a life coach, I read up on books and emails from Hungry Girl, I drink green tea, I've already lost 13% of my body weight, but I overlooked one detail that *might* help. It's so silly, but to me it feels sad to have to let go of....emails from my favorite restaurants!
In a normal week, I get emails about new menu items, or promo offers from Claim Jumper, Red Robin, Cold Stone Creamery, Baskin Robbins, Extreme Pita, Dairy Queen (specifically the Blizzard Club), and I kid you not, while I am writing this blog post...I got an email from Arby's, inviting me to come in for a Free Jr. Deluxe Sandwich. FREE. Free Roast Beef!
Well, goodbye you temptresses, because this fat girl is so over you!

I need more money, for more plastic surgery.

No, I'm not gonna go all Heidi Montag. But, since I got my boobs done (a 15 year dream that finally came to life), it's been exciting to think about what I can do next. Well, sometime in the future. I've lost some weight, which totally has motivated in part by finally getting the boobs I had wanted. I got some negativity about getting breast implants before getting the rest of my body in shape, but I can definitely say that for me, it was the right choice and I wouldn't change a thing! The way I saw it was that I couldn't do anything on my own (naturally) about my breasts, so I went ahead and got surgical help for that, and embarked on doing what I could about my weight. So anyway, I'm starting to have a lot of loose skin and I have talked to my plastic surgeon about doing something about it when I'm ready. But now I'm afraid that to really "fix" everything, it will cost me way more money than I will ever be prepared to spend. All I really want is a tummy tuck, to get rid of my "skin apron", but if I had my fantasy list of "fixes", it would be...

Nose Job
Bigger Implants (Okay not really, I got them as big as I safely could at the time, and I'm sure as my tummy gets smaller, they will look bigger, but I get greedy sometimes...)
Some kind of eyelid surgery
Forehead reduction

Hmm...maybe that's it. Atleast thats all I can think of right now. I guess my body wish list isn't too out of control.

You got to spend some time, love. You got to spend some time with me. And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart.

I promise, no more Facebook bitching.... Okay, maybe not "No more, EVER", but after having this blog for a good chunk of time, I'm finally ready to get to the real stuff, the core of what this was meant to be. I guess purpose just takes time. And that time is now. I know it's not like anyone has been watching this blog, waiting for greatness, but if there were, this would be the time to say "Thanks for waiting. Here I am. Get ready for the pouring out of all I've kept inside."

*And for the one person who actually HAS been following this mostly empty blog from day 1, you know who you are, and you know I love you. If it weren't for you, well...you and my messed up childhood and later years...this wouldn't be possible. But your constant love, faith, support, and convincing me that I do have a story to tell, has meant the world to me. The big, bad ginamous world. Let's go fly a kite...casually of course ;-)*

Soulmates

Do I believe in them? Sure, well...maybe. Is my man my soulmate? Am I his? No, I really don't think so. I think we're just two people who have loved eachother enough to make it this long. Don't mistake the way I'm writing this to mean that it's not a forever love, or that the end is near, but I really think that love and relationships and more about effort, tolerance and motivation than fate, chance, and destiny. The hard part is that effort, tolerance and motivation can change over time, even at a moments notice, or no notice at all. One minute its there, the next it's gone. It can be kinda scary, but personally I think it's fascinating.

I miss you, you crazy frickin no good lunatic!

It's almost your birthday (which is inevitable to bring you to my mind),
I haven't heard from you since the last time I made it clear that I have no interest in talking to you (which is a relief, but a little alarming),
And I just downloaded a new Eminem CD (this is a given to make me think of you, always has, always will).
Brings me back to being 22 when we were happy in the most unlikely of situations. Well, shit, I guess I really can't say if you were happy or not, but more importantly, I was happy. I was happy being ME. You were one of the best and worst things to ever happen in my life. So much bad came from me saying yes, and agreeing to that initial communication with you, but damn...if I had never opened that envelope, and picked up a pen, there is a whole lotta good, and learning experiences that would have never come my way, so the good outweighs the bad.
I guess I don't miss you, because I don't even know the "you" that has come to be. I miss the you that had become part of my routine, whether that was the real one, or just a character, thats the one I mourn for. More than missing that person for me, I miss him for you. He was good for you, and whether you really enjoyed those years of your life or you were just getting by..for the most part, it was a beautiful thing to watch. So much passion, so much potential, so much pain, so much fire in your heart, the good and the bad.
My hope is that maybe someday, that soul will grow back and you'll be whole again, or that the void will be filled or atleast patched up enough to proceed on to the life you know you deserve.