yuk, just..yuk!

That is the feeling I have right now. For the past couple days, I have been trying to write a post that explains a lot of things about me, and will also be (after the hellish anxiety that follows it), hopefully very healing. I just can't get there...maybe I'm scared because I know how freeing it will be. I told my man about this blog, but was very vague about it and told him its more of a personal diary. He says he won't read it if I. Don't want him to, but I'm thinking maybe that might be easier than actually having to talk to him about it. It will be embarassing, he'll think I'm insane. He'll hear things he doesn't remember about that night, he'll hear things that he had no idea about. Okay, no more beating around the bush, it's about the last time I got high. And the first and only time I got high with him. I've now been clean for almost 4 years now, but when I met him i'd been clean for almost a year and a half...until one night when it seemed like a good idea. IT WAS NOT. But...that whole experience is for another post, but hey...atleast I'm getting closer, and I only moderately feel like I'm going to puke.

On the way back to me again

So, I got the boobs I always wanted, I've lost quite a bit of weight so far, and that makes me feel great...but those are all superficial things. Those were the easy things. Now I have to change the things that you can't see.
I got sober, I'm making more responsible financial decisions, but I really need to work on the tough stuff. The stuff that turns me into an angry, hateful maniac. You know, the stuff that I've been putting off...
Oh yeah, and that girl that I unblocked on Facebook a few days back? I blocked her again. We've got lots of mutual friends, and just seeing her name and face made me want to break shit.
I need to stop procrastinating and fix ME. Speaking of procrastinating, I need to get on with my day. Til next time....

Once upon a time...

I was classy, confident, independent, and cute.

I've also been a drug and alcohol dependent, bad boy chasing, irresponsible mother.

And then I took a lying, cheating, drug addicted shitty boyfriend and turned him into a great guy, without a single threat or ultimatum. I stayed when I should have gone. I had faith when I should have lost hope.

I don't regret loving him, or standing by him through the tough times, because he has stood by for mine, but I do believe that in process of all the "fixing" and effort that I put into him, our relationship and our family, I lost my own identity. I am my own identity thief, and I just want to reclaim me.

random thoughts/feelings

-I wish I was a kid, and didn't have to worry about calories.

-If I was a kid, I wouldn't have to feel gulty about mixing butter and processed cheese and dipping pretzels in it last night. Yeah, that depressed.

-With depression, there is no fake it til you make it, it's fake it til you die. (This came from a friend)

-I took a huge step this morning and unblocked someone (on facebook) who causes me major rage,
and anxiety.

-I wish I had a special machine, or robot or wizard that could change my hair instantly.

-I worry that people won't find me as funny sober, as when I was drinking. Maybe funny is all I have (had) and now it's gone.

10 years ago today..

Something happened that changed my life forever. The funny thing is, I didn't know about that event at the time, but strangely enough it shaped the way my life has turned out. Someone made a bad choice, a choice that they had made countless times before, but this was different. This was the time he got caught. And had to pay the price. And the rest is history. Had these events not been put in motion, I would have missed out on falling in love...3 times, I would not have met some of the wonderful, amazing friends that I have now, and I wouldn't have certain perspectives on life that I do today. Sure, there were bad choices made along the way on my part, but I wouldn't change a thing. Every single thing that I have done in my life has put me where I am right now.
So although I'm sad that 10 years have passed, and unfortunately your life seems to be about that same that it was on July 31, 2000...mine is a lot different, so I thank you for that.

To distract me from my own crazy life...

I frequently (like, several times a day) read www.textsfromlastnight.com
It's hilarious, and relatable, and so hilarious that sometimes I post entries on the Facebook walls of my friends. That is how much I love it. Now go check it out.

Shit...I'm having comatose itunes adventures.

Because of my ridiculous anxiety and insomnia issues (we'll get to that later), I have to pretty much roofie myself to sleep. Most of the time it works out great, but sometimes there are complications in the form of adventures I don't remember. There have been a few of the sexual kind, but that was mostly when I was drinking too. Even worse than that though, are the shopping kind. I just got an email from itunes. A receipt for some downloads that I've purchased over the past week. Among them? Lionel Richie's Greatest Hits, and..are ya ready for this? "Smell Yo Dick", by an "amazing" artist named Riskay. I have no recollection of these purchases, but I know it was me, since both of these musical acts are guilty pleasures of mine. Lionel Richie is more than just a guilty pleasure I guess, because I really do love him, but "Riskay"? Well...if you are unfamiliar with her or her song, I'm gonna suggest you read this post from Whitney Cummings, one of my favorite Funny Ladies, because she really does it justice in describing it.


You can read this and more, at her amazingly funny blog, www.princesscomplex.com


SMELL YO DICK

Romeo and Juliet. Gone With The Wind. The Notebook. Smell Yo Dick. This is my favorite love story. I want to be in this romance, I want to be lounging around in what can only be a Jessica McClintock bustier and yelling about a “stripper/hoe” named Diamond.

I have to be honest. I’m not sure if I could tell if a guy cheated on me by smelling his dick. Call me square, but I’m more of a go through your cell phone kind of girl. Dick smelling isn’t really a sure fire way to tell. I mean, most dicks smell pretty terrible when your man hasn’t cheated on you. A dick smelling like a strippers vagina would actually be a huge improvement. I’d probably think it was romantic. I happen to love CK1.

I love that in the video her boyfriend who she thinks is cheating on her is clinically obese. Nice touch. Make sure to stay tuned for his retort at 2:15. I also love that she bleaches his clothes in the end. I gotta remember that one.

*This vid can’t be imbedded anymore so follow the link to YouTube for it’s charms.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC8GTmX2G5w&feature=player_embedded

I cannot let my email be my fat enabler...must...unsubscribe...

I'm trying so hard not to be a fat girl for life. I do Weight Watchers, I buy everything low fat or fat free, or with extra fiber, or whole wheat. I exercise (Shut up. Walking to the mailbox instead of driving is HUGE when you're a lazy fatty.), I hired a life coach, I read up on books and emails from Hungry Girl, I drink green tea, I've already lost 13% of my body weight, but I overlooked one detail that *might* help. It's so silly, but to me it feels sad to have to let go of....emails from my favorite restaurants!
In a normal week, I get emails about new menu items, or promo offers from Claim Jumper, Red Robin, Cold Stone Creamery, Baskin Robbins, Extreme Pita, Dairy Queen (specifically the Blizzard Club), and I kid you not, while I am writing this blog post...I got an email from Arby's, inviting me to come in for a Free Jr. Deluxe Sandwich. FREE. Free Roast Beef!
Well, goodbye you temptresses, because this fat girl is so over you!

I need more money, for more plastic surgery.

No, I'm not gonna go all Heidi Montag. But, since I got my boobs done (a 15 year dream that finally came to life), it's been exciting to think about what I can do next. Well, sometime in the future. I've lost some weight, which totally has motivated in part by finally getting the boobs I had wanted. I got some negativity about getting breast implants before getting the rest of my body in shape, but I can definitely say that for me, it was the right choice and I wouldn't change a thing! The way I saw it was that I couldn't do anything on my own (naturally) about my breasts, so I went ahead and got surgical help for that, and embarked on doing what I could about my weight. So anyway, I'm starting to have a lot of loose skin and I have talked to my plastic surgeon about doing something about it when I'm ready. But now I'm afraid that to really "fix" everything, it will cost me way more money than I will ever be prepared to spend. All I really want is a tummy tuck, to get rid of my "skin apron", but if I had my fantasy list of "fixes", it would be...

Nose Job
Bigger Implants (Okay not really, I got them as big as I safely could at the time, and I'm sure as my tummy gets smaller, they will look bigger, but I get greedy sometimes...)
Some kind of eyelid surgery
Forehead reduction

Hmm...maybe that's it. Atleast thats all I can think of right now. I guess my body wish list isn't too out of control.

You got to spend some time, love. You got to spend some time with me. And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart.

I promise, no more Facebook bitching.... Okay, maybe not "No more, EVER", but after having this blog for a good chunk of time, I'm finally ready to get to the real stuff, the core of what this was meant to be. I guess purpose just takes time. And that time is now. I know it's not like anyone has been watching this blog, waiting for greatness, but if there were, this would be the time to say "Thanks for waiting. Here I am. Get ready for the pouring out of all I've kept inside."

*And for the one person who actually HAS been following this mostly empty blog from day 1, you know who you are, and you know I love you. If it weren't for you, well...you and my messed up childhood and later years...this wouldn't be possible. But your constant love, faith, support, and convincing me that I do have a story to tell, has meant the world to me. The big, bad ginamous world. Let's go fly a kite...casually of course ;-)*

Soulmates

Do I believe in them? Sure, well...maybe. Is my man my soulmate? Am I his? No, I really don't think so. I think we're just two people who have loved eachother enough to make it this long. Don't mistake the way I'm writing this to mean that it's not a forever love, or that the end is near, but I really think that love and relationships and more about effort, tolerance and motivation than fate, chance, and destiny. The hard part is that effort, tolerance and motivation can change over time, even at a moments notice, or no notice at all. One minute its there, the next it's gone. It can be kinda scary, but personally I think it's fascinating.

I miss you, you crazy frickin no good lunatic!

It's almost your birthday (which is inevitable to bring you to my mind),
I haven't heard from you since the last time I made it clear that I have no interest in talking to you (which is a relief, but a little alarming),
And I just downloaded a new Eminem CD (this is a given to make me think of you, always has, always will).
Brings me back to being 22 when we were happy in the most unlikely of situations. Well, shit, I guess I really can't say if you were happy or not, but more importantly, I was happy. I was happy being ME. You were one of the best and worst things to ever happen in my life. So much bad came from me saying yes, and agreeing to that initial communication with you, but damn...if I had never opened that envelope, and picked up a pen, there is a whole lotta good, and learning experiences that would have never come my way, so the good outweighs the bad.
I guess I don't miss you, because I don't even know the "you" that has come to be. I miss the you that had become part of my routine, whether that was the real one, or just a character, thats the one I mourn for. More than missing that person for me, I miss him for you. He was good for you, and whether you really enjoyed those years of your life or you were just getting by..for the most part, it was a beautiful thing to watch. So much passion, so much potential, so much pain, so much fire in your heart, the good and the bad.
My hope is that maybe someday, that soul will grow back and you'll be whole again, or that the void will be filled or atleast patched up enough to proceed on to the life you know you deserve.

I swear I didn't start this blog to bitch about Facebook.

But...

I just logged on, and maybe it's because I'm in a terrible mood, and over stressed which has led to depression, and that this particular date is a horrible one for me, but every single status that I read seemed to piss me off, so I'm just going to go through, and comment about my least favorite things on FB.

If you're going to broadcast something to the world (or everyone on your friends list), please spell the words correctly. And if you MUST post in all caps, please...no, just don't. Just don't even do it, that one is so annoying and I'm pretty sure that everyone else who reads your messages thinks the same thing.
If you really, really feel the need to use any vulgar, dramatic, or 4 letter word, just use it already! If you're posting about how you're such an F'ing Bad-a*!, well then...you probably aren't.

To be continued....

Not what it's supposed to be, but it works

When I started this blog, it was supposed to be deep, and ugly and un-sugar coated and full of tough stuff that I didn't want to post as "myself", so I would do it whilst hiding behind this blog. Well, as you can see that's not going so well, but more often than not, I do have something to bitch about it, so I might as well do it here. There are certain things that I just cannot stand about use of certain words or phrases. For example.

"Seen". If you're going to tell me that you have seen several great movies in the last few months, that's great. But, if you say to me..."Hey, I seen that movie last week!" I'm probably going to assume that you have a 6th grade education, or just don't pay attention. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the grammar police, or perfect by any means, (hence starting a sentence with "But") but I do like to think that when I speak, I sound somewhat intelligent. Besides, it's my blog and I can bitch if I want to.

"French Benefits". So, you just started a new job, and it comes with a gym membership and a discount at your local bookstore? That's awesome! It's Fringe Benefits, you idiot.

"Ugh", or Ugggggh, Ughhhhh, or any other variation of that "word". Because one of my dear friends is quite fond of using it, I'll make an exception to this rule and say that if you use it in a sentence, like "Ugh, I am so tired" or, "Ugh, Minnie is bitching about her damn kid again!", that's a lesser evil. I'm irritated with those people who use "Ugh" as their status on facebook, or as a complete sentence, meant to explain all their thoughts. It's not even a word! It's hardly a noise!

Since I wandered into the world of Facebook postings on that last one, let's go with it. There are quite a few things that bug me about what people do on Facebook, but probably the most annoying is this kind of situation...
A status like "I can't believe this has happened, I am so angry and feel so let down! Ugh!"
28 seconds later, nosey/concerned friend #1 responds with "OMG! What happened? U ok??????", and about 10.3 seconds later, the OP responds with "It's BS, totally don't wanna talk about it"
Really?? Really? Don't wanna talk about it? Well, then you shouldn't have posted it as your damn status message! Oh but wait...then how would people run to your rescue and give you the attention you were obviously craving?
Just a tip, people who truly don't want to talk about things, don't draw attention to them.

Better late than never, right?

Yeah, I've been away from this for almost a year. I actually forgot the address to this blog for awhile..oops.

Anyway, people annoy me.