I'm being taken over by the fear...

Lily Allen -The Fear

(The youtube link disables embedding, so I don't know how to make the video show up here)

Hate.

I hate feeling this way.

I hate that I have someone else to blame, along with myself. Sounds messed up, doesn't it? If I was the only one to reconcile all the guilt, pain, anger, and damage that have caused me to be me with, I would have no choice but to get over it, right? Well, I guess either that or it would slowly kill me. Which is what it feels like is happening now.

I hate that I get so angry with my daughter because I see so much of "little me" in her. I just want to protect her. I just want to protect me.

I hate that my husband has to say to her, "Your mom loves you, she wants to love you. She has a lot of anger inside of her because of things that happened to her when she was younger. Things that have nothing to do with you. She just doesn't want you to end up like her. How often do you see your mom outside of her room? Not very much, huh? Thats because everytime she leaves, she gets angry. Being shut in inside her room is the only place she feels safe."
All of what he tells her is true, but I hate that truth. I hate that my little girl knows that she doesn't have a "normal" mom, that she has a sick one.

I hate that stability is seemingly short-term in my life.

I hate that disappointment and anger come so easily, and that happiness and smiles are so rare.

I hate that I've become so dead inside that even compliments feel like personal attacks. It's like the part of my brain that is connected to my heart, that sends the messages throughout my body that things are okay, or good has become completely disconnected.

I hate that I have more sympathy and compassion for strangers, than I do my own family.

I hate that regret occupies as much of my time as joy used to.

Call it what you want, because I don't know either.

Don't know what the hell is wrong with me that is. Depression? Psychosis? Just an emotionless bitch?
Being in whatever this is has made me a different person who is dead inside. I care about the things that don't matter, and the things that do...don't even phase me or get any consideration.
When asked to describe themselves, most people say things like "friendly, fun, loving, a good friend, hardworking, compassionate..." I know this because those are the things I used to say about myself. Thank God nobody is asking lately, because right now I'd have to answer "self centered, critical, angry, incapable of love, uncaring, unmotivated..."
I'm not happy, and I resent my life, but have no desire to end it. My priorities have completely flipped and taken of a life of their own. I'm beginning to become distracted with and interested in things like money, nice things, and superficial feelings. Things that have always just been "things" that don't matter or make a difference about who someone is. But lately it's like I've had this warped sense of perception that "things" will make life more comfortable for me. I know that no matter what I possess, or have around me, the inside will stay the same, but for some reason I just keep hitting that wall. So much hate and anger inside from years of bad decisions and emotional damage, have just built up into a solid mass that I can't even begin to chip away at. I've tried, and I'm still trying. But it seems like every step towards progress that is made, results in a roadblock going up in another path. My heart is as disorganized and empty as my thoughts are, and this is my own release without fear of blatant or direct judgement.