yuk, just..yuk!

That is the feeling I have right now. For the past couple days, I have been trying to write a post that explains a lot of things about me, and will also be (after the hellish anxiety that follows it), hopefully very healing. I just can't get there...maybe I'm scared because I know how freeing it will be. I told my man about this blog, but was very vague about it and told him its more of a personal diary. He says he won't read it if I. Don't want him to, but I'm thinking maybe that might be easier than actually having to talk to him about it. It will be embarassing, he'll think I'm insane. He'll hear things he doesn't remember about that night, he'll hear things that he had no idea about. Okay, no more beating around the bush, it's about the last time I got high. And the first and only time I got high with him. I've now been clean for almost 4 years now, but when I met him i'd been clean for almost a year and a half...until one night when it seemed like a good idea. IT WAS NOT. But...that whole experience is for another post, but hey...atleast I'm getting closer, and I only moderately feel like I'm going to puke.

On the way back to me again

So, I got the boobs I always wanted, I've lost quite a bit of weight so far, and that makes me feel great...but those are all superficial things. Those were the easy things. Now I have to change the things that you can't see.
I got sober, I'm making more responsible financial decisions, but I really need to work on the tough stuff. The stuff that turns me into an angry, hateful maniac. You know, the stuff that I've been putting off...
Oh yeah, and that girl that I unblocked on Facebook a few days back? I blocked her again. We've got lots of mutual friends, and just seeing her name and face made me want to break shit.
I need to stop procrastinating and fix ME. Speaking of procrastinating, I need to get on with my day. Til next time....

Once upon a time...

I was classy, confident, independent, and cute.

I've also been a drug and alcohol dependent, bad boy chasing, irresponsible mother.

And then I took a lying, cheating, drug addicted shitty boyfriend and turned him into a great guy, without a single threat or ultimatum. I stayed when I should have gone. I had faith when I should have lost hope.

I don't regret loving him, or standing by him through the tough times, because he has stood by for mine, but I do believe that in process of all the "fixing" and effort that I put into him, our relationship and our family, I lost my own identity. I am my own identity thief, and I just want to reclaim me.

random thoughts/feelings

-I wish I was a kid, and didn't have to worry about calories.

-If I was a kid, I wouldn't have to feel gulty about mixing butter and processed cheese and dipping pretzels in it last night. Yeah, that depressed.

-With depression, there is no fake it til you make it, it's fake it til you die. (This came from a friend)

-I took a huge step this morning and unblocked someone (on facebook) who causes me major rage,
and anxiety.

-I wish I had a special machine, or robot or wizard that could change my hair instantly.

-I worry that people won't find me as funny sober, as when I was drinking. Maybe funny is all I have (had) and now it's gone.

10 years ago today..

Something happened that changed my life forever. The funny thing is, I didn't know about that event at the time, but strangely enough it shaped the way my life has turned out. Someone made a bad choice, a choice that they had made countless times before, but this was different. This was the time he got caught. And had to pay the price. And the rest is history. Had these events not been put in motion, I would have missed out on falling in love...3 times, I would not have met some of the wonderful, amazing friends that I have now, and I wouldn't have certain perspectives on life that I do today. Sure, there were bad choices made along the way on my part, but I wouldn't change a thing. Every single thing that I have done in my life has put me where I am right now.
So although I'm sad that 10 years have passed, and unfortunately your life seems to be about that same that it was on July 31, 2000...mine is a lot different, so I thank you for that.

To distract me from my own crazy life...

I frequently (like, several times a day) read www.textsfromlastnight.com
It's hilarious, and relatable, and so hilarious that sometimes I post entries on the Facebook walls of my friends. That is how much I love it. Now go check it out.

Shit...I'm having comatose itunes adventures.

Because of my ridiculous anxiety and insomnia issues (we'll get to that later), I have to pretty much roofie myself to sleep. Most of the time it works out great, but sometimes there are complications in the form of adventures I don't remember. There have been a few of the sexual kind, but that was mostly when I was drinking too. Even worse than that though, are the shopping kind. I just got an email from itunes. A receipt for some downloads that I've purchased over the past week. Among them? Lionel Richie's Greatest Hits, and..are ya ready for this? "Smell Yo Dick", by an "amazing" artist named Riskay. I have no recollection of these purchases, but I know it was me, since both of these musical acts are guilty pleasures of mine. Lionel Richie is more than just a guilty pleasure I guess, because I really do love him, but "Riskay"? Well...if you are unfamiliar with her or her song, I'm gonna suggest you read this post from Whitney Cummings, one of my favorite Funny Ladies, because she really does it justice in describing it.


You can read this and more, at her amazingly funny blog, www.princesscomplex.com


SMELL YO DICK

Romeo and Juliet. Gone With The Wind. The Notebook. Smell Yo Dick. This is my favorite love story. I want to be in this romance, I want to be lounging around in what can only be a Jessica McClintock bustier and yelling about a “stripper/hoe” named Diamond.

I have to be honest. I’m not sure if I could tell if a guy cheated on me by smelling his dick. Call me square, but I’m more of a go through your cell phone kind of girl. Dick smelling isn’t really a sure fire way to tell. I mean, most dicks smell pretty terrible when your man hasn’t cheated on you. A dick smelling like a strippers vagina would actually be a huge improvement. I’d probably think it was romantic. I happen to love CK1.

I love that in the video her boyfriend who she thinks is cheating on her is clinically obese. Nice touch. Make sure to stay tuned for his retort at 2:15. I also love that she bleaches his clothes in the end. I gotta remember that one.

*This vid can’t be imbedded anymore so follow the link to YouTube for it’s charms.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC8GTmX2G5w&feature=player_embedded