I need more money, for more plastic surgery.

No, I'm not gonna go all Heidi Montag. But, since I got my boobs done (a 15 year dream that finally came to life), it's been exciting to think about what I can do next. Well, sometime in the future. I've lost some weight, which totally has motivated in part by finally getting the boobs I had wanted. I got some negativity about getting breast implants before getting the rest of my body in shape, but I can definitely say that for me, it was the right choice and I wouldn't change a thing! The way I saw it was that I couldn't do anything on my own (naturally) about my breasts, so I went ahead and got surgical help for that, and embarked on doing what I could about my weight. So anyway, I'm starting to have a lot of loose skin and I have talked to my plastic surgeon about doing something about it when I'm ready. But now I'm afraid that to really "fix" everything, it will cost me way more money than I will ever be prepared to spend. All I really want is a tummy tuck, to get rid of my "skin apron", but if I had my fantasy list of "fixes", it would be...

Nose Job
Bigger Implants (Okay not really, I got them as big as I safely could at the time, and I'm sure as my tummy gets smaller, they will look bigger, but I get greedy sometimes...)
Some kind of eyelid surgery
Forehead reduction

Hmm...maybe that's it. Atleast thats all I can think of right now. I guess my body wish list isn't too out of control.

You got to spend some time, love. You got to spend some time with me. And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart.

I promise, no more Facebook bitching.... Okay, maybe not "No more, EVER", but after having this blog for a good chunk of time, I'm finally ready to get to the real stuff, the core of what this was meant to be. I guess purpose just takes time. And that time is now. I know it's not like anyone has been watching this blog, waiting for greatness, but if there were, this would be the time to say "Thanks for waiting. Here I am. Get ready for the pouring out of all I've kept inside."

*And for the one person who actually HAS been following this mostly empty blog from day 1, you know who you are, and you know I love you. If it weren't for you, well...you and my messed up childhood and later years...this wouldn't be possible. But your constant love, faith, support, and convincing me that I do have a story to tell, has meant the world to me. The big, bad ginamous world. Let's go fly a kite...casually of course ;-)*

Soulmates

Do I believe in them? Sure, well...maybe. Is my man my soulmate? Am I his? No, I really don't think so. I think we're just two people who have loved eachother enough to make it this long. Don't mistake the way I'm writing this to mean that it's not a forever love, or that the end is near, but I really think that love and relationships and more about effort, tolerance and motivation than fate, chance, and destiny. The hard part is that effort, tolerance and motivation can change over time, even at a moments notice, or no notice at all. One minute its there, the next it's gone. It can be kinda scary, but personally I think it's fascinating.

I miss you, you crazy frickin no good lunatic!

It's almost your birthday (which is inevitable to bring you to my mind),
I haven't heard from you since the last time I made it clear that I have no interest in talking to you (which is a relief, but a little alarming),
And I just downloaded a new Eminem CD (this is a given to make me think of you, always has, always will).
Brings me back to being 22 when we were happy in the most unlikely of situations. Well, shit, I guess I really can't say if you were happy or not, but more importantly, I was happy. I was happy being ME. You were one of the best and worst things to ever happen in my life. So much bad came from me saying yes, and agreeing to that initial communication with you, but damn...if I had never opened that envelope, and picked up a pen, there is a whole lotta good, and learning experiences that would have never come my way, so the good outweighs the bad.
I guess I don't miss you, because I don't even know the "you" that has come to be. I miss the you that had become part of my routine, whether that was the real one, or just a character, thats the one I mourn for. More than missing that person for me, I miss him for you. He was good for you, and whether you really enjoyed those years of your life or you were just getting by..for the most part, it was a beautiful thing to watch. So much passion, so much potential, so much pain, so much fire in your heart, the good and the bad.
My hope is that maybe someday, that soul will grow back and you'll be whole again, or that the void will be filled or atleast patched up enough to proceed on to the life you know you deserve.

I swear I didn't start this blog to bitch about Facebook.

But...

I just logged on, and maybe it's because I'm in a terrible mood, and over stressed which has led to depression, and that this particular date is a horrible one for me, but every single status that I read seemed to piss me off, so I'm just going to go through, and comment about my least favorite things on FB.

If you're going to broadcast something to the world (or everyone on your friends list), please spell the words correctly. And if you MUST post in all caps, please...no, just don't. Just don't even do it, that one is so annoying and I'm pretty sure that everyone else who reads your messages thinks the same thing.
If you really, really feel the need to use any vulgar, dramatic, or 4 letter word, just use it already! If you're posting about how you're such an F'ing Bad-a*!, well then...you probably aren't.

To be continued....

Not what it's supposed to be, but it works

When I started this blog, it was supposed to be deep, and ugly and un-sugar coated and full of tough stuff that I didn't want to post as "myself", so I would do it whilst hiding behind this blog. Well, as you can see that's not going so well, but more often than not, I do have something to bitch about it, so I might as well do it here. There are certain things that I just cannot stand about use of certain words or phrases. For example.

"Seen". If you're going to tell me that you have seen several great movies in the last few months, that's great. But, if you say to me..."Hey, I seen that movie last week!" I'm probably going to assume that you have a 6th grade education, or just don't pay attention. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the grammar police, or perfect by any means, (hence starting a sentence with "But") but I do like to think that when I speak, I sound somewhat intelligent. Besides, it's my blog and I can bitch if I want to.

"French Benefits". So, you just started a new job, and it comes with a gym membership and a discount at your local bookstore? That's awesome! It's Fringe Benefits, you idiot.

"Ugh", or Ugggggh, Ughhhhh, or any other variation of that "word". Because one of my dear friends is quite fond of using it, I'll make an exception to this rule and say that if you use it in a sentence, like "Ugh, I am so tired" or, "Ugh, Minnie is bitching about her damn kid again!", that's a lesser evil. I'm irritated with those people who use "Ugh" as their status on facebook, or as a complete sentence, meant to explain all their thoughts. It's not even a word! It's hardly a noise!

Since I wandered into the world of Facebook postings on that last one, let's go with it. There are quite a few things that bug me about what people do on Facebook, but probably the most annoying is this kind of situation...
A status like "I can't believe this has happened, I am so angry and feel so let down! Ugh!"
28 seconds later, nosey/concerned friend #1 responds with "OMG! What happened? U ok??????", and about 10.3 seconds later, the OP responds with "It's BS, totally don't wanna talk about it"
Really?? Really? Don't wanna talk about it? Well, then you shouldn't have posted it as your damn status message! Oh but wait...then how would people run to your rescue and give you the attention you were obviously craving?
Just a tip, people who truly don't want to talk about things, don't draw attention to them.

Better late than never, right?

Yeah, I've been away from this for almost a year. I actually forgot the address to this blog for awhile..oops.

Anyway, people annoy me.