I'm being taken over by the fear...

Lily Allen -The Fear

(The youtube link disables embedding, so I don't know how to make the video show up here)

Hate.

I hate feeling this way.

I hate that I have someone else to blame, along with myself. Sounds messed up, doesn't it? If I was the only one to reconcile all the guilt, pain, anger, and damage that have caused me to be me with, I would have no choice but to get over it, right? Well, I guess either that or it would slowly kill me. Which is what it feels like is happening now.

I hate that I get so angry with my daughter because I see so much of "little me" in her. I just want to protect her. I just want to protect me.

I hate that my husband has to say to her, "Your mom loves you, she wants to love you. She has a lot of anger inside of her because of things that happened to her when she was younger. Things that have nothing to do with you. She just doesn't want you to end up like her. How often do you see your mom outside of her room? Not very much, huh? Thats because everytime she leaves, she gets angry. Being shut in inside her room is the only place she feels safe."
All of what he tells her is true, but I hate that truth. I hate that my little girl knows that she doesn't have a "normal" mom, that she has a sick one.

I hate that stability is seemingly short-term in my life.

I hate that disappointment and anger come so easily, and that happiness and smiles are so rare.

I hate that I've become so dead inside that even compliments feel like personal attacks. It's like the part of my brain that is connected to my heart, that sends the messages throughout my body that things are okay, or good has become completely disconnected.

I hate that I have more sympathy and compassion for strangers, than I do my own family.

I hate that regret occupies as much of my time as joy used to.

Call it what you want, because I don't know either.

Don't know what the hell is wrong with me that is. Depression? Psychosis? Just an emotionless bitch?
Being in whatever this is has made me a different person who is dead inside. I care about the things that don't matter, and the things that do...don't even phase me or get any consideration.
When asked to describe themselves, most people say things like "friendly, fun, loving, a good friend, hardworking, compassionate..." I know this because those are the things I used to say about myself. Thank God nobody is asking lately, because right now I'd have to answer "self centered, critical, angry, incapable of love, uncaring, unmotivated..."
I'm not happy, and I resent my life, but have no desire to end it. My priorities have completely flipped and taken of a life of their own. I'm beginning to become distracted with and interested in things like money, nice things, and superficial feelings. Things that have always just been "things" that don't matter or make a difference about who someone is. But lately it's like I've had this warped sense of perception that "things" will make life more comfortable for me. I know that no matter what I possess, or have around me, the inside will stay the same, but for some reason I just keep hitting that wall. So much hate and anger inside from years of bad decisions and emotional damage, have just built up into a solid mass that I can't even begin to chip away at. I've tried, and I'm still trying. But it seems like every step towards progress that is made, results in a roadblock going up in another path. My heart is as disorganized and empty as my thoughts are, and this is my own release without fear of blatant or direct judgement.

yuk, just..yuk!

That is the feeling I have right now. For the past couple days, I have been trying to write a post that explains a lot of things about me, and will also be (after the hellish anxiety that follows it), hopefully very healing. I just can't get there...maybe I'm scared because I know how freeing it will be. I told my man about this blog, but was very vague about it and told him its more of a personal diary. He says he won't read it if I. Don't want him to, but I'm thinking maybe that might be easier than actually having to talk to him about it. It will be embarassing, he'll think I'm insane. He'll hear things he doesn't remember about that night, he'll hear things that he had no idea about. Okay, no more beating around the bush, it's about the last time I got high. And the first and only time I got high with him. I've now been clean for almost 4 years now, but when I met him i'd been clean for almost a year and a half...until one night when it seemed like a good idea. IT WAS NOT. But...that whole experience is for another post, but hey...atleast I'm getting closer, and I only moderately feel like I'm going to puke.

On the way back to me again

So, I got the boobs I always wanted, I've lost quite a bit of weight so far, and that makes me feel great...but those are all superficial things. Those were the easy things. Now I have to change the things that you can't see.
I got sober, I'm making more responsible financial decisions, but I really need to work on the tough stuff. The stuff that turns me into an angry, hateful maniac. You know, the stuff that I've been putting off...
Oh yeah, and that girl that I unblocked on Facebook a few days back? I blocked her again. We've got lots of mutual friends, and just seeing her name and face made me want to break shit.
I need to stop procrastinating and fix ME. Speaking of procrastinating, I need to get on with my day. Til next time....

Once upon a time...

I was classy, confident, independent, and cute.

I've also been a drug and alcohol dependent, bad boy chasing, irresponsible mother.

And then I took a lying, cheating, drug addicted shitty boyfriend and turned him into a great guy, without a single threat or ultimatum. I stayed when I should have gone. I had faith when I should have lost hope.

I don't regret loving him, or standing by him through the tough times, because he has stood by for mine, but I do believe that in process of all the "fixing" and effort that I put into him, our relationship and our family, I lost my own identity. I am my own identity thief, and I just want to reclaim me.

random thoughts/feelings

-I wish I was a kid, and didn't have to worry about calories.

-If I was a kid, I wouldn't have to feel gulty about mixing butter and processed cheese and dipping pretzels in it last night. Yeah, that depressed.

-With depression, there is no fake it til you make it, it's fake it til you die. (This came from a friend)

-I took a huge step this morning and unblocked someone (on facebook) who causes me major rage,
and anxiety.

-I wish I had a special machine, or robot or wizard that could change my hair instantly.

-I worry that people won't find me as funny sober, as when I was drinking. Maybe funny is all I have (had) and now it's gone.